They’re not leaving their job, they’re leaving your leadership
“We wasted twenty minutes already with this mindfulness stuff and check ins, can we just get on with it?”
I heard this from a participant on a leadership course the other day. I smiled and took a breath. It was hard not to feel reactive in that moment. Her tone was dripping with annoyance – she was used to having her way and intimidation was her tactic. We let her sit in it for a moment and stayed quiet, we let the awkwardness build and then proceeded along with the rest of the session. I could see the issue, the rest of the group could see the issue, my co-facilitator could see the issue, the problem was she was completely blind.
It wasn’t the first time I noticed her frustration – she commented in a previous session how slow people are and why her team just can’t get things. She tells them what to do repeatedly. And then wonders why they aren’t being proactive and taking the initiative.
She thinks she’s being efficient and task oriented, a real no-nonsense woman. She’s convinced of her rightness and intellectual superiority. It’s obvious to her, why can’t everyone else see it?
People never forget how you made them feel
The reality is whether or not they can see your point, they can feel your vibe. 70% of the time an employee leaves their job they’re not actually leaving their job. They’re leaving their leader. Gallup has been measuring this statistic for a while, and I’ve done enough career coaching in my time to know that figure is an accurate one. Over the years folks have come to my coaching practice, yearning to work for a leader that truly sees them and values them. I’ve heard countless stories of micromanagement, intimidation and even bullying. And while the statistics may look bleak, there’s a huge opportunity to be mined if we’re willing to learn from our own blind spots. As leaders, the one thing we do have control over 100% of the time is our mindset and our behaviors. I’m often reminded of the Maya Angelou quote, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Imagine being on the receiving end of that kind of leader day in and day out. Maybe you already are. How would you feel? Anxious, depressed, unvalued, disempowered, frustrated, resentful and burned out are a few words that come to mind. What would the team environment be like? Probably a cutthroat one, full of fear and anxiety, where employees are looking to fly under the radar so they wouldn’t get ridiculed at the next team meeting.
If we want to grow, we must lean in to the frustration
The interesting thing about learning is that in order to grow, we must be willing to lean into the frustrating places. To sit in them. To marinate in them, for lack of a better word. The places that scare you, where we feel inadequate or insecure. The places that make you resentful, frustrated, angry and lose control. We must be willing to go there, to scratch beneath the surface and to see what’s there. Because there’s always something there.
Years ago, when I was teaching yoga, I was reminded of this. A very tenured teacher once told the class, “You’re frustrated by the person next to you because they’re making too much noise breathing, that’s your yoga. You’re annoyed with the person who keeps going in and out of the room, that’s your yoga. You don’t like the fact that the teacher corrects you, that’s your yoga. You’re angry that the room is too cold or too hot, that’s your yoga.”
What’s lurking underneath the surface?
I often told my students that how we show up on the mat is a metaphor for how we live our lives. All our tendencies show up, the question is whether we can be curious enough to lean in when the powerful emotions come. To ask ourselves what really lies beneath the surface – the beliefs, the stories, the unmet needs that might be lurking there. Maybe it’s a need to have all the answers that got rooted early on because that’s the only thing that was valued at home. Maybe it’s a need to feel like we’re enough but instead we overcompensate with power plays, grandiosity or harsh leadership.
Back to my annoyed leader – she might be thinking, “This is a waste of my time.” And that’s fair enough. But the problem is leadership “tips and tricks” only go so far, because ultimately mindset is upstream of behaviors. If she scratched beneath the surface of her frustration, what would she find? And even more importantly, what would she gain?
Coaching questions for thought:
· What are the people/situations that bring up powerful emotions for you currently? If you scratch beneath the surface, what do you think is really going on?
· What are the situations you tend to avoid because they illicit a reaction in you? What are you most afraid people would see?
Shelley Pernot is a life and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients heal burnout and lead from a place of purpose. She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves. Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!