Want to be powerful? Let go of the performer
One of the things I’ve realized recently is that I’ve been secretly judging the entire concept of boundaries. They’re psychobabble. They’re for immature, weak people who get triggered by every little thing on social media, who label people and situations “toxic” and cut anyone who disagrees with them out of their lives. People who haven’t leaned in and done their inner work, because if they really had, nothing would bother them, and they wouldn’t need them.
I told myself that I was above this nonsense. That life is about perception, and I should just let everything roll off me like water off a duck’s back. The great spiritual thought leaders don’t need boundaries, they’re fully realized and awakened and say things like “relationships are easy once you’ve realized you don’t need anything from anyone.”
The difficulty is that most of us don’t live in a place of enlightened transcendence 100% of the time. And hence we are all doing this human dance together, where we trip and fall and get up again and then trip and fall some more.
Boundaries are really about alignment with self
I think a lot of the problem I’ve historically had with the concept of boundaries has less to do with whether they make sense, and more to do with the fact that they are often misunderstood and misapplied. There are a lot of well-intended self-help books that promote unhealthy definitions of what the concept means. A boundary isn’t putting a fence around another human being – I can’t control what other people say or do, nor should I want to. That’s too much responsibility for any human to take on. What I’m realizing is there is a healthier side of boundaries which has a lot to do with honesty and authenticity. To say yes when I want to say yes, and no when I want to say no. To not judge myself as silly or petty for being where I’m at and needing what I need. To take space when I need to take space. To move on from a situation or person that is no longer serving me. To find my voice, to own my voice and to use my voice. To recognize that the goal of boundaries is alignment with self. And when we’re operating from an aligned place of being we have more space for healthy relationships to flourish and grow. And I place particular emphasis on the word “healthy.”
I’ve been navigating a situation recently with a group of friends, where I needed to take a step back and pull away from a situation that was no longer serving me. On the surface it might seem benign – just pull back, no big deal. I’ve worked on people pleasing, this should be no biggie. Well, it brought me to my knees. Because even though I had done a lot of work in this area, I evidently had more to do. The pleaser and performer was still there deep down, and I really touched a nerve when I dared to draw a hard line with personal relationships.
The grip of the pleaser performer is strong for many of us
Many of us struggle with the pleaser and the performer, it’s a coping strategy we learn early on that serves us but also eventually plagues us in personal and professional relationships. Jump through hoops, just do what’s expected of you in this situation, it’s more important to not rock the boat. Just show up and smile and say the right things and perform the role of the friend, dutiful employee, trusted colleague or compliant supplier and everything will be okay. And that strategy worked for a long time, but I’m finding that it just doesn’t work anymore.
Maybe it’s the age I’m at, maybe it’s the context I’m operating in now, but I’m not interested in performing anymore for friendship. I’m not interested in performing anymore for business either. It’s exhausting. I think back to countless training sessions I’ve conducted over the years where I stressed myself out to no end the night before, worried that the session wouldn’t go well. Worried that I wouldn’t seem credible enough, that I wouldn’t be able to handle difficult participants, worried that I’d seem foolish and incompetent in the eyes of people in which I’m supposed to be a subject matter expert.
I think I convinced myself I had to be a subject matter expert in personal relationships too. Be the trusted friend that everyone looks up to for advice. Always have the right thing to say. I’m a coach after all – so I’m expected to have a level of mastery where these things are concerned, right? The problem is it’s unsustainable, draining and a recipe for burnout. Because when your identity is tied to the performance, you can never rest. There’s always another performance around the corner. There’s always another person to please. There’s always an opinion that you need to control or relationship you need to worry about. What if I get a bad reputation? What if they start talking bad about me and I lose control of the narrative? What if I lose friends? What if I lose business acquaintances? What if I lose that client? What if I push everyone away?
What’s on the other side of the fear and anxiety?
I made a hard call to pull back with that group of women as I realized the dynamic wasn’t serving me, and then I sat with it. The anxiety was overwhelming. The feeling of panic and dread set in. It was almost unbearable – a feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin that in the past I would have avoided by walking it back or numbing myself out at happy hour. And yet somehow, I knew the only way out was through. So I kept sitting with it. I kept sitting with the sensation of my heart beating so fast I almost couldn’t breathe. And the feeling of strong anxiety that makes a person want to crawl out of their skin. And I kept sitting.
I asked myself the question - What do I need? I kept repeating that question softly to myself over and over like a mantra while holding my hand on my heart. And then I noticed something. A growing warmth in my heart which eventually spread throughout my entire body. Then the anxiety dissolved like a mist. On the other side was a feeling of peace so profound it was indescribable. I had come home.
That feeling has been coming and going since that day. And I’ve been spending a lot of time in reflection thinking about why that is. The old protection mechanism, the pleasing performer, is slowly lessening in me. It’s scary – she’s been the source of my success for so long. She’s served me well, and it’s time I give her a well-earned break. There’s a sense that I’m coming home to something so deep inside my heart. And that sense of peace and belonging far outweighs the validation I’ve gotten in the past from my colleagues, clients or friends. What I’m realizing is what I can give myself is so much more powerful than anything I have to “earn” from a relationship. It’s a place of power. It’s a place where I’ll always be free to be who I am because that is enough.
Coaching Questions for Thought:
What are the many ways you please and perform? How has that served you up to this point? What would it look like to let go of this?
What is no longer serving you that you are pretending to ignore? What is that costing you?
What do you really need when it comes to friendship? Professional relationships? What fear might come up if you’re wiling to assert yourself for what you need? Would you be willing to sit with it if peace is on the other side?
Shelley Pernot is a life and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients heal burnout and lead from a place of purpose. She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves. Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!