Tired of Drama at Work?
In April I attended a retreat in Boulder with an amazing group of meditators and learners. It was a profound experience where we were invited to step in and do some deep work, right from the first day.
At one point we were talking about the drama triangle, first described in the 1960’s by Stephen Karpman. It’s an interesting model that explains why unproductive conflict often occurs in human interactions and is made up of three roles – the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. During our lives we will find ourselves in all these roles, sometimes even in multiple roles at the same time, and it often explains why we’re suffering in our relationships.
The three drama triangle roles
Victim – “Why does this always happen to me?” When we’re playing the victim, we’re living at the effect of something. We might feel overwhelmed and helpless about the situation we find ourselves in, but we’re often not taking proactive steps to change it. When we take on this role, we often doubt our capabilities and look to others for guidance, allowing them to take responsibility and control over our lives. We consciously or more often unconsciously seek out the rescuer.
Rescuer – “I’m here to help!” Is the motto of the rescuer. They are the individual always willing to jump in to save the day. While the role may sound like an altruistic one, the primary motivation (which may be largely subconscious) is to feel needed and valuable. The interplay between the rescuer and the victim can set up a codependent cycle that is hard to break. Eventually the rescuer may find themselves falling into the victim or persecutor role, as their needs are increasingly ignored and they feel unvalued and unappreciated by the victim.
Persecutor – “I’m right and they’re wrong.” The persecutor loves to play the blame game, blaming the victims and criticizing the rescuers. This tendency to point out the flaws of others is often motivated by a strong a defense mechanism, as they fear judgment themselves and becoming the victim. The persecutor will often lock themselves in a dynamic with a victim, as they need a scapegoat to deflect from their own feelings of fear and inadequacy.
We all have a staring role in the drama
The patterns of the drama triangle will show up in every facet of our lives, at work and at home. I can clearly see how I’ve played each of these roles at times throughout my personal and professional life. And the bottom line is that we play all these roles. We know them well – these are coping strategies that have helped up navigate life’s tricky corners. Each one of these strategies has a benefit, but it carries a heavy cost. And no matter which role you’re playing, if you’re locked into it for a fair amount of time, you’re going to be exhausted. The realization I had in Boulder was how much I had slipped into the role of the rescuer, particularly with my clients. It’s been a slippery slope the last few years and I hadn’t even recognized the extent to which my sense of worth and accomplishment had gotten attached to solving my client’s problems. Not exactly the right attitude for a coach, especially considering coaching isn’t problem solving. This was a hard pill to swallow and an emotional one.
These roles derail our lives and our leadership
These roles show up in our leadership as well. I often hear leadership coaching clients say they want to delegate more. But they don’t. It’s not because they don’t know how to do it. What’s often sitting under the surface is a deeply held belief that maybe the team isn’t capable, or if I delegate, I won’t be valuable anymore, or if I delegate too much my employees won’t like me - they’ll think I’m dumping too much on them. These are all variations of the rescuer role, and they can sink our leadership.
Or maybe we play the victim in our leadership. We find ourselves saying things like “I don’t have enough time” or “there’s nothing I can do.” We spend a lot of time and energy complaining about our workload or projects, avoiding responsibility or challenges because we perceive them to be too difficult. We doubt our leadership capabilities; we doubt our team’s capabilities. We spend time looking for the rescuer who will swoop in and solve our problems, rather than leaning into our fears and having the courage to grow.
Or we persecute by getting defensive when we’re offered feedback or create an atmosphere of blame and shame in our department when a mistake is made. And when our criticality is pointed out, we argue that it’s impossible to lead without pointing out people’s mistakes, and that employees are weak and overly sensitive these days and can’t handle feedback.
Again, we play all these roles. The key is to recognize the role you’re in – it’s the first step in getting out of the drama.
Coaching questions for thought:
Which roles are you playing currently with respect to your leadership? Think about the people that frustrate you the most at work.
What is your “go-to” default role? Maybe you jump straight to the rescuer and then start to feel increasingly frustrated by it. Maybe it’s the persecutor, and then you find yourself having to clean up the mess after the fact, as you’ve alienated your team or key stakeholders.
What would it feel like if you didn’t have to play this role anymore?
Shelley Pernot is a career and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients develop clarity, confidence, and compassion for self. She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves. Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!