Why High Performers Struggle to Slow Down

There’s a lot of advice out there that is centered around knowing oneself – our likes, our dislikes, who we think we are.  How would I answer the question – who am I? 

Big question, right?  Important question.  We’re all supposed to know the answer, because knowing ourselves is the key to having a successful life, isn’t it?  After all, “to thine own self be true.”  I’ve got to know myself to be true to myself.  And for a long time, I thought I had the answer to that one. 

Determined, driven, passionate about development, spiritual seeker, loves exercise, yoga, hiking, adventure seeker, international traveler and woman of mystery, relationship builder, connector. 

Identity though intensity

None of these are bad things.  None of these are wrong.  But what I’m realizing increasingly, is that where many high performers are concerned, life becomes an exercise in proving these things.  An exercise in performing these things.  It’s a phenomenon I’m now referring to as “identity through intensity.”  It can often look like an all or nothing approach, and it directly relates to the burnout stress cycle.

It can look many ways:

·      the leader who only feels valuable when overwhelmed

·      the entrepreneur who feels restless when things are peaceful

·      the helper who derives identity from carrying too much emotional weight

·      the achiever who feels flat without a mountain to climb

·      the constant self-improvement loop that never ends

I’ve struggled with a lot of these.  And if you’re reading this blog, there’s a chance you have too.  That’s because underneath these descriptions there’s often a voice for high performers that constantly whispers – “it’s just not enough.”

The hidden burnout pattern in high performers

Over time, I’ve started to notice a subtle undercurrent to many of the seasons of my life characterized by 4 stages – 1) I’ll find something, 2) attach to it, 3) turn it into a judgement about myself, 4) and then create a sense of urgency around it.  Rinse and repeat.

For example, last week, against my better judgement, I stepped on the scale in the bathroom.  And I didn’t like what the number said.  And then I felt that internal friction, that pressure rising in me, the heavy discontent in myself, that I’m disgusting, I’ve let myself go, that I need to whip myself back into shape and I’d better get off my lazy butt pronto and get to work on myself.  It’s a sticky feeling that I can best describe as wanting to escape myself, wanting to abandon myself, wanting to be anywhere else but where I was at.  My mind then leaped to all the workout classes I needed to do, diets I could try, and I started putting a schedule together in my head that involved multiple classes a day as well as transitioning back to intermittent fasting and keto eating.  I had the solution now, and I was off the races!

But instead of jumping on the horse, I hit the pause button because I recognized the cycle.

And then I stopped and thought about the journey my mind was on.  And I asked myself a few questions:

·      How big of an issue is this really? 

·      What’s driving this need for intensity?

·      What would a compassionate approach to this situation look like?

·      What could fitness look like without abandoning myself?

And I came up with a different approach.  I’m not doing nothing about it.  I am doing something.  It’s just softer.  But softer is uncomfortable for a lot of high performers.  Because softness can feel like complacency.  Because urgency creates the illusion of control.  Because intensity can feel productive even when it’s destructive.  Because many of us learned to equate self-criticism with responsibility.

Self-improvement or self-abandonment?

One of the things I’m realizing with the benefit of age, wisdom and willingness to do the work, is the real work isn’t perfecting the crazy workout routine, it’s developing the capacity to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that push you to abandon yourself. 

This extends far beyond the fitness arena too.  Career, relationships, parenting, spirituality, you name it.  Any aspect of our lives can fall into this well-intentioned trap.  We’ve all done it.

One of the questions I’m asking myself more lately is – “What if I don’t need to know exactly who I am in order to trust myself?”  Maybe self-trust grows less from certainty about who we are, and more from our willingness not to turn ourselves into a problem to solve.

Shelley Pernot is a life and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients heal burnout and lead from a place of purpose.  She is particularly adept at working with high performing women perfectionists at risk of burning out.  Feeling a little stretched? Take the 3-minute Burnout Risk Survey to see where you stand.  Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!