When we need reality to be different

A year or so ago, I was working with a group of leaders at a large global company as a facilitator for a leadership program.  It was a tough gig.  The leaders were tried, disillusioned and at times bitter.  The organization had undergone several changes, and it seemed like it was one reorganization after another.  Participants talked about how they were having difficulty finding their feet in the new organization.   That the organization didn’t care any more about people.  That the place they had known for many years was gone.  That they were overworked and under resourced, and expectations kept growing.  And the virtual nature of the leadership program was just another example of how the organization was cutting corners, because if they really cared about learning and development, they would have spent the money to have the class in person.

Like I said, it was a tough gig.  I remember after one session, where I had tried my hardest to acknowledge and validate, to allow space for the concerns, to meet people where they were at, to challenge constructively as a coach and still find a way to hit the objectives – I logged off the call and burst into tears.  The energy was so heavy and my efforts felt pointless and meaningless.  My cofacilitator felt the same.  She was so emotionally drained she had to go lie down. 

Time passed, and as we plodded through the curriculum, I started telling myself the best way to get through the experience was not to care, these people weren’t interested in learning.  Distance would be my protection; I hardened my heart.  Every time I’d see the calendar invite looming on the horizon, I’d sigh.  By the last few sessions I’d managed to become just as disengaged as they were.

The Struggle of Resistance

Ironic, isn’t it?  They were struggling against the organization as it was.  And we were struggling against the group as it was.

When I think back to my headspace before I tuned out, it sounded like this:  I need to get them engaged. I need to create a meaningful experience. I need to overcome this negativity. I need to validate them AND accomplish the learning objectives AND somehow make this worthwhile.

I needed the participants to be different than they were. 

Did I really need them to be?  What would it have said about me as a leadership development professional if they weren’t?  I think deep down, I needed them to be different to feel good about myself.  If I was an excellent facilitator and trainer, I’d know how to right the ship and get them to really engage.  The fact I was struggling proved how incompetent I was.  I needed a successful outcome to tell me I was a success.

And I think my participants needed the organization to be different than it was.

Perhaps because they needed the organization to reassure them that their years of commitment had mattered. That they still belonged. That someone saw how hard they were working. That there was some reciprocity or fairness between what they gave the organization and what the organization gave them.

The problem is when we outsource our needs, we often end up disappointed, in a cycle that looks a lot like:  Something I deeply valued is no longer giving me what I need, so I fight reality and try to make it change and when that fails, I become angry / cynical / disengaged. 

But we all have needs right?  As humans we all have basic needs for security, belonging, status, recognition, learning, even self-actualization.  We can’t easily dismiss these needs.  But we can change how we get those needs met.  We don't get into trouble because we have needs. We get into trouble when we decide who or what must meet them.

If I think about myself, I could still want and prefer participants to be engaged during a session, to show up, to do the work, to ask questions, to engage.  It’s a lot more enjoyable for me when that’s the case.  But maybe it doesn’t have to be the scorecard with which I measure my performance.  What if I focused more on what I could control - Did I prepare?  How did I try to engage them?  Did I listen attentively?  How constructively did I challenge?  One of the most helpful lessons I’ve learned as a facilitator is to stop requiring other people to respond a particular way for me to feel okay.

When I think about the participants, they couldn't necessarily make the company value them.  They couldn't stop the reorganizations.  They couldn't restore the organization they'd loved.  But they could ask - What am I actually needing from this organization? Recognition?  Belonging?  Security?  Meaning?  Fairness?  Growth?  And if I'm no longer getting it here, what choices do I have?

The Power of Choice

It often comes back to choice.  The choice to leave, the choice to stay, the choice to reinvent something.  But perhaps the most important choice is deciding that the person, group or institution that disappointed us doesn't get to be the sole arbiter of whether our needs are met.

That doesn't mean pretending we don't care.  Or convincing ourselves that something is acceptable when it isn't. Sometimes there is something real to grieve.  The organization we loved, the relationship we hoped for, the experience we wanted to create.

But underneath the disappointment is often a need.  And once we can name it, we can begin to ask a different question. Not, How do I get this person or organization to give me what I need? But, What do I need, and what choices do I have now?

Looking back, I wish that had dawned on me. I might have spent less energy trying to get them to be different, and more energy focused on getting my own needs met in a healthy way.

Coaching Questions for Thought:

• What am I needing from this person, group, or organization that I’m not getting right now?

• What am I telling myself needs to change in order for me to be okay?

• What is within my control here—and what am I trying to control that isn’t mine?

• Where else, or in what other ways, could this need be met?

• Given the reality of the situation as it is today, what choice do I want to make?